


Hot Ones: Captain America Defrosts While Eating Hot Wings

by Jenniboo311



Series: Hot Ones: Avengers in the Hot Seat [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: First We Feast, Gen, Humor, Interview, Mild Profanity, No Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, No Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie) Spoilers, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Sean Evans - Freeform, Secret Identity, Sexual Humor, Video, YouTube, hot ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-07-08 20:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19875724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: "Hi everyone, from First We Feast this is Sean Evans and you're watching Hot Ones: the show with hot questions and even hotter wings."The camera angle changes but maintains the closeup."You may recognize our next guest from such public service announcements as, 'Food For Thought', 'Brain Power', and 'Your Changing Body'. Whether it's encouraging growing young minds to eat a hot lunch or reassuring youngsters about their sprouting body hair, he's got you covered. It is a great honor to welcome to the show, Captain America, Mr. Steve Rogers."





	1. Captain America in the Hot Seat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheGhostKing44](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGhostKing44/gifts), [izzybee89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzybee89/gifts), [enchanted_nightingale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchanted_nightingale/gifts), [meme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meme/gifts), [drowned_in_books](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drowned_in_books/gifts).



> I am absolutely blown away at the reception for the Spider-Man interview and I am so glad so many people enjoyed it and had a laugh. I sure hope I managed to deliver on this one as well, and if not, I sure tried.
> 
> \------------
> 
> TheGhostKing44: I would love to see other interviews of other superheroes. Maybe cap or bucky(does he count)?
> 
> Izzybee89: It would be really fun to see the other avengers do this!! Like I would lose it for Captain America.
> 
> enchanted_nightingale: As for question for cap... well for the photos section... perhaps mention the school videos ? That would be funny if you can spin it. And definetely have him swear at least once. (please!)
> 
> meme: Of course Captain America needs to be in it. The world deserves to know Steve Rogers is a little shit. How else do you show the world that other than through eating hot subpar chix wings?
> 
> drowned_in_books: please god bless us with cap being forced to watch the "his shield is ze size of a dinner plate and ze is an idiot" vine

The video begins focused on a man in his early thirties looking into the camera, hair buzzed short and wearing a grey hoodie under a red and black plaid jacket. He is sitting at a small table with ten bottles of hot sauce lined up down the center from hot to hottest, a platter of ten chicken wings set in front of him, with the whole set back-dropped in black. The man smiles and begins his introduction.

"Hi everyone, from First We Feast this is Sean Evans and you're watching Hot Ones: the show with hot questions and even hotter wings."

The camera angle changes but maintains the closeup.

"You may recognize our next guest from such public service announcements as, 'Food For Thought', 'Brain Power', and 'Your Changing Body'. Whether it's encouraging growing young minds to eat a hot lunch or reassuring youngsters about their sprouting body hair, he's got you covered. It is a great honor to welcome to the show, Captain America, Mr. Steve Rogers."

The camera cuts to show Steve sitting across from Sean wearing a navy blue cap on his head, a snug white t-shirt, and blue jeans. Steve looks confused and shifts his stare back and forth between Sean and something just beyond the camera, mouth slightly agape.

"Captain? Everything alright?" Sean asks concerned.

Steve's mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. "I...I don't understand..."

Sean quirks an eyebrow and smiles at him uncertainly. "What are you confused about, exactly, sir?"

Steve gestures around at the set and cameras and responds, baffled, "What is all of this?"

Sean blinks a few times and purses his lips, unsure how to respond. He settles on a shrug after a moment and offers lamely, "This is the Hot Ones set? I'm Sean, as I said, and that's the crew..." He gestures beyond the camera and his sentence trails off.

Something appears to click into place behind Steve's eyes and his gaze sharpens on Sean. "This is an interview," he states more than asks.

Sean nods, trying not to be obvious about how worried for Captain America's mental health he is at that moment.

Steve's focus darts off camera again and he accuses, annoyed, "You said you were taking me out for wings!"

A masculine voice off camera responds back promptly, "I did take you out for wings."

Steve looks down at the table to see a small board with ten chicken wings lined up down the center in front of him and frowns.

Sean catches on that Steve has been tricked and jumps in to smooth ruffled feathers. "It's a short interview that we publish on the internet on our YouTube channel, 'First We Feast'. I ask you questions while we eat increasingly spicy chicken wings. If you make it to the end you get bragging rights and the chance to promote something you've got going on to the public who are watching."

Steve watches Sean carefully and chews the inside of his lip in indecision. He addresses the voice off camera again, "Why would you spring this on me like that? I thought we were just hanging out this afternoon."

The camera cuts to show Spider-Man standing off to the side, arms crossed and looking smug wearing a worn, dark red t-shirt, black jeans, and Spider-Man mask. He cocks his head and slowly pulls his left hand out that was hidden in his armpit, and holds it up in front of him as if in explanation. His middle finger sports a fresh looking splint and slowly, deliberately, he folds the rest of his fingers down to flip Steve off with the broken finger. His eye lenses squint with malicious glee.

The camera cuts back to Steve who understands now, and tries and fails to smother his smirk and rolls his eyes.

Sean laughs and shakes his head like he can't believe what he's seeing. "Am I understanding this right? Spider-Man tricked you into an interview with hot wings because you broke his finger?"

"Again," comes Spider-Man's voice off camera.

Steve's smirk overtakes his face and turns into a grin. "I thought it was strange he pulled on his mask before we came inside. Well I guess I had this coming to me. Fair play, -" He catches himself at the last second and his eyes bulge. "Almost called him by his last name. I'd better watch that. Sorry!" Steve sends a quick apologetic look Spider-Man's way.

Sean grins at Steve but looks a bit disappointed at the missed opportunity. "So are we good? Are we doing this?"

Steve points his thumb in Spider-Man's direction. "Why doesn't he have to eat hot wings? Why am I the only one suffering?"

"He didn't tell you?" Sean answers and Steve shakes his head in confusion. "He filmed his interview last week, that's how we met."

Steve nods reluctantly and asks, "How far did he get?"

"He got through all ten like a champ!" Sean replies.

Steve considers this and Sean senses him cracking and needles, "But it's okay if you can't get through them all. Not everyone can."

Steve makes eye contact with Sean, smiles ruefully, and says while pointing an accusing finger at him, "I know what you're doing here."

Sean holds up his hands in surrender and says innocently but with a guilty smirk, "I don't know what you're-"

"But it's working. Alright, I guess, let's do this," he interrupts and claps his hands together once for emphasis.

Sean pumps a fist in triumph, "Yes! I believe in you, Captain!"

"Call me Steve, please," he allows.

"Steve! It's a pleasure to meet you and have you on the show. Best of luck!"

They begin and Steve eyes his first wing before cautiously taking a bite. He chews suspiciously for several seconds before determining it is not so bad after all, and finishes the wing.

"So the 'you too' is on the internet right?" Steve inquires before Sean can get a question out.

The strange question causes Sean's mouthful to go down the wrong way and he chokes and pounds on his chest. Steve regards him alarmed, springing half out of his chair to assist him if necessary. Sean waves him off and drinks some water.

"YouTube," he clarifies in a strangled voice, "YouTube. Yes, that's on the internet." Sean gets ahold of himself after several moments and struggles not to laugh and offend his guest, though strangled laughter can be heard coming from Spider-Man's direction.

Steve shrugs cluelessly and nods before hitching forward slightly to fetch a small notebook and pen from his back pocket. He licks a thumb and rifles through a few pages before setting it down on the table and jotting down a quick note.

Sean curiously leans forward to peer at the notebook and puzzled, asks, "Whatcha got there, Steve?"

Steve looks up, smiles kindly, and gestures at it with one hand. "Oh, this is my to-do list! I started doing this when I came out of the ice a few years back, writing down things I hear that confuse me to look up later. Get me caught up with the modern world, you know? And I've come a long way these past few years, but I still come across things that are foreign to me. It's a lot of years to catch up on, sometimes I worry that I'll always be a step behind. So I write down the things that are lost on me and look them up later."

Sean nods, intrigued. "So what has been the hardest thing to get caught up with since coming out of the ice?"

"Oh that's easy," Steve answers immediately, "Technology." Steve closes his eyes in quiet exasperation. "If Tony tries to push another smart phone on me..." He shakes his head, opens his eyes, and gestures helplessly with his hand, "It shouldn't be that difficult to call someone! There's just too many things to click on! It's baffling! I tried it for awhile and everyone kept complaining about me 'pocket dialing' them constantly at odd hours. And don't get me started on computers! That is just crazy to me! I can't for the life of me figure them out. I've gotten a little better with the internet though!" Steve grins proudly. "I use the Google a lot, and that Wikipedia thing."

Sean smirks at 'the Google' but doesn't have the heart to correct him and tell him that it is just referred to as 'Google'.

'That's great," he enthuses at the Captain, "That's practically half the internet anyway."

"Right?!" Steve perks up and looks marginally happier with the interview than he had been up until now.

Sean chuckles and nods at the notebook that lays forgotten in Steve's hand, "So do you mind sharing some of the things you've written down? Give us a glimpse of what Steve Rogers has been Googling."

Steve grins, embarassed, "Well alright, I suppose so."

He flips back through to a few pages previous and scans through it quietly, eyebrows creased in concentration and mouth hanging slightly open, reminiscent of an old man focused on reading the evening newspaper with thick coke bottle glasses perched precariously on the end of his nose.

Sean bites his lip to smother his smile at the oblivious man.

Steve looks up briefly to explain, "The team has done a pretty good job about helping me catch up on the earlier decades, so it's only the occasional thing from the eighties or nineties that I have to write down usually. Mostly, it's just half of whatever comes out of Spider-Man's mouth, to be honest. I'm not real good with the internet or computers, like I said, and he's the youngest of us all and very smart and tech savvy so most of the time I'm pretty sure he's speaking a different language altogether." He throws a fondly exasperated look in Spider-Man's direction before focusing on his book once more.

"Let's see, I have, 'Julia Child', on here. Last month, Clint accused Tony of being a man-child and being capable of burning water and we found out that he can in fact cook! He can only make a couple things, but one of them is this really insane beef stew. It took him most of the day to make it but he's stubborn and was trying to prove a point so he made it for the team and I'm not exaggerating, it was amazing. He said it was called, 'beouf bourguignon', and his mother used to watch this famous chef on tv all the time, Julia Child, and that was his favorite thing that she would make for him. She started teaching him how to make it because he was spending too much time in the lab with Howard and she thought he needed more 'soft skills'. It was good, right?!" Steve addresses the last to Spider-Man.

The camera cuts briefly to Spider-Man and he nods emphatically, eye lenses wide, "So good!"

"Uhhh..." Steve peruses his list, "What else? Oh! Spider-Man keeps calling me 'salty' about our scrap in Germany. I'm not really sure what he's talking about, but I think maybe it sounds like it's slang for holding a grudge or something?" Steve looks up at Sean to give him a hopeless look.

Sean grins and nods, "Yeah, you get the idea! It's being upset or agitated about something. A little bird told me he stole your shield during the fight and that's why you keep breaking his finger." He suddenly affects an important tone, "Would the defendant care to refute the charges?"

Steve visibly has to struggle to hide the shit eating grin that blooms on his face. "Captain America would never resort to such petty tactics," is his only response, followed by a disbelieving snort from Spider-Man's direction.

Sean laughs at the blatant lie and asks, "Anything else interesting on that list of yours?"

"Uh, well, I don't know if it's interesting or not since I don't know what it means, but Spider-Man uses the word, 'yeet', sometimes. It's usually when he's throwing something, so I guess it's an expression of exertion maybe? Like last weekend during team training he did this admittedly well done swinging kick from a web attached to the ceiling and nailed Tony in the chest while screaming, 'yeet!'. Luckily Tony was in his suit because he broke through the far wall head first and his rear was left hanging out of the hole in a really undignified way. It ground training to a halt because he ended up stuck on some rebar and nobody could stop laughing at him long enough to actually help him down." Steve let loose a few chuckles in fond remembrance.

Sean gave a loud laugh at the story. "What did Stark do? I'm betting he didn't let that lie."

Steve shrugged with a smile, "Spider-Man beat a hasty retreat before we got him down. Skipped out on team movie night too! It was probably for the best, Tony was storming around the compound for the rest of the day like an angry bull."

"So he got away with it," Sean states more than asks.

"Heck no. Tony holds a grudge like no one else. Spider-Man's been avoiding him ever since but he can't avoid him forever. He'll have to man up eventually and take the punishment. I'd be worried if I were him though, Tony has had this really sinister smile the past three days. I think the longer he puts it off the worse it will be!"

The camera cuts to Spider-Man to catch his reaction but he only responds with a careless, dismissive wave of his hand.

They move on to the second wing. Sean polishes his off efficiently but Steve dawdles after the first bite looking shocked.

"Wow, you're not playing around!" Steve exclaims, coughing. "I foolishly thought I'd be okay after that first one but that escalated quickly!" He reaches for his glass of ice water, uncaring of the embarrassment of having to drink after only the second wing.

Sean gives him a smug grin, enjoying subjecting Captain America to such cruel and unusual punishment. "And it only gets worse from here, trust me. Much, much worse. I usually ask, how are you with hot food?"

Steve whips off his cap to reveal shiny dark blonde locks as perfect as they have always been described, and holds it by the bill to wave cool air at his open mouth and face. "I've suddenly never felt so much regret. What have I agreed to?!" Steve regards the bitten wing with uncertainty for a moment before deciding that he doesn't care to repeat the experience in order to finish the wing and promptly disposes of it in the garbage off to the side, discretely hidden from camera.

"I would say I'm pretty useless with spicy things, to be perfectly honest with you. I come from a time where we mostly boiled everything to death. The spiciest thing I usually experienced on a daily basis was a bit of salt in my boiled potatoes."

Sean grins as Steve jokingly leans in as if to impart a great secret, "And butter, if we were feeling a bit wild and decided to mash them." Steve gives Sean a wry smile. "I wish Erskine had thought of that when he was working on the serum. Indestructible super taste buds or something. Sure I look impressive toppling Hydra, but have you seen me with a jalapeno?" He sucks in some air to cool the burn in his mouth, "This is very embarrassing."

Sean laughs and concedes, "That's true! You grew up in the twenties and thirties. I bet that was a totally different food climate to what we have now, especially during The Great Depression and the Prohibition. How does the food compare in modern times?"

"I mean things weren't really so different back then. I know it sounds like a long time ago but we ate a lot of the same stuff then that we do now, though maybe a bit simpler. Processed foods were a new thing when I was growing up, so I was familiar with that already when I came out of the ice. Meals were more often home cooked than you typically find nowadays. There's a lot more takeout and fast food these days for sure, a product of a busier lifestyle I guess. Nowadays wives have careers alongside their husbands, so there's not as much time to cook. Back then most families had housewives dedicated to taking care of the home, parenting and cooking and cleaning and the like. But yeah, it was still things you'd find familiar. A lot of boiled potatoes with meat. Wonder Bread. Kool-Aid. I grew up in the 1920's not the 1700's! So basically similar to what we have now only less takeout and a lot plainer. Not as many hot wings, that's for sure."

Steve cringes at the lingering spice in his mouth and takes another sip of water.

"Do you have any foods you refuse to eat? Something you just can't stand?" Sean asks and makes a forbidding hand gesture for emphasis.

"Hmm, my least favorite food?" Steve thinks about the question for a moment. "I'm not really sure what my least favorite is, but I'm really not a fan of cottage cheese."

"Cottage cheese?" Sean repeats, surprised.

"Curdled milk chunks!"

Sean's face twists, "Well when you put it like that..."

"It's weird, right?!" Steve gestures dramatically. "Also, eggplant. Our neighbor used to grow them a lot when I was young and he'd bring them over to share. It's like eating a slimy sponge. I can't even look at them anymore." Steve pulls a face.

"What about your most favorite food? What is Steve Rogers' most guilty pleasure?" Sean asks with a sly grin.

"I like lots of things, I'm really not that picky. I guess that's a byproduct of living during the Great Depression. I guess some of my fondest memories were going to see the baseball game pre-serum with my best friend, Bucky, and we would always grab a hot dog mid way through." Steve looks off into the distance in remembrance. "Slathered in mustard, relish, and onion. It brings back some good memories of simpler times, so I guess I would have to say that's my favorite."

Sean nods and is about to continue when Steve suddenly interrupts, "That, and apple pie. Oh my goodness, apple pie." Steve closes his eyes, picturing the dessert in question and fairly salivates. "I can't even help myself. If there's apple pie nearby I have to have some. No question. Pepper, uh that is Pepper Potts, even had a gigantic apple pie custom made for my last birthday instead of cake and it was honestly the best. We all just dug in with a fork and I think I ate at least half of it by myself. I don't remember much else because of the following sugar coma. That was a great birthday!" Steve grins widely, white teeth sparkling.

Sean digs in to the next wing and Steve looks at it in a disappointed manner. "Oh. We're doing the next one I guess."

Sean nods, amused and Steve reluctantly takes a bite, trying to keep his lips away from the hot sauce with his teeth bared in a comically exaggerated way. He chews woodenly before choking it down and immediately starts coughing.

"Speaking of food, I've gotta wonder what your typical daily meal plan looks like, Steve. Not only are you an incredibly active guy, you're a super soldier to boot. Has the super serum affected what you choose to eat? Can you give us an example of what a typical page from Captain America's food diary looks like?" Sean asks, gesturing absentmindedly with his hands.

Steve nods thoughtfully while trying not to look like he is dying a slow death from the hot sauce and clears his throat several times. "Yeah for sure, I eat way differently now than I did pre-serum. I used to just eat like any other regular person, but now I have to think about calorie intake and making sure I'm getting enough protein and vitamins. If my body isn't getting enough fuel I can't fight effectively, and not fighting effectively could cause people their lives, whether that be civilians or my teammates. My body now burns calories about four times faster than a normal person, so you can imagine that's a lot of food! But I can't eat just anything, it has to be the right kind of food. Depending on how active I am, so whether I'm taking a day off just to rest and pursue my hobbies or I'm involved in intense training or a mission, I put away around seven or eight meals a day, anywhere from eight thousand to ten thousand calories total. Each meal is usually, give or take, over a thousand calories each."

Sean nods, but after a moment once it has finally penetrated his brain, his eyebrows hit his hairline and his mouth gapes open.

"Are you being completely serious right now?" He asks Steve incredulously.

"Yeah of course," Steve nods with a grin.

"So just to put that in perspective for our viewers at home, an adult male needs how many calories a day?"

Steve grins and answers without hesitation, "About twenty five hundred. Most of my meals consist of ten to twelve ounces of protein, usually chicken or fish, eight to twelve ounces of baked potato or two cups of rice, and either salad or two cups of green veg like asparagus or broccoli. My first and last meals of the day I also like to add in eight to twelve egg whites, respectively. Sometimes I'll make smoothies."

Sean shakes his head slowly in disbelief and holds his stomach with his left hand just imagining that stomach ache. "Do you ever just get sick of eating healthy and binge on pizza and apple pie? Or did you get razor sharp willpower from that serum too?"

Steve laughs and ducks his head bashfully, "No super willpower here, it's just necessity to be able to keep up with my role as an Avenger. Having said that, I do have cheat days every now and then. I'm not made of iron, unlike another certain teammate of mine who shall remain nameless." Steve grins and gives the camera a cheesy wink.

Sean shakes his head at the predictable joke. "And what does cheat day look like for you?"

Steve hums as he thinks about the question. "It depends on what I'm craving that week, I guess. But I have no trouble obliterating a couple pizzas all on my own. An apple pie for dessert. Maybe a few 'Oh Henry!' bars, I used to love those when I was a kid but couldn't afford to get them often."

Sean nods along with Steve's answer and continues to look impressed.

"If you think that's impressive, you should see what Thor and Hulk can put away!" Steve continues.

Sean emphatically shakes his head, "You know what? I'm not sure I could stomach watching that."

Steve laughs and concedes with a half shrug.

They take a bite out of their fourth wing and Sean presses on while Steve adjusts to the discomfort and frantically sneaks some water.

"Steve, it must have been strange for you to go from an absolute nobody to the famous Captain America almost overnight. From nightly recruitment shows across America as, "The Star Spangled Man With a Plan", to having your own comics and trading cards, to finally proving your worth in the field and saving countless lives and facing impossible odds. What has that experience with fame been like for you? Mostly good? Mostly bad? A little of both? And what about fans in particular? Do you have any strange experiences with fans to share with us?"

"For the most part fans are pretty respectful. Nothing all that strange," Steve pauses as something comes to mind before continuing, "Well actually, it's a fairly recent thing, but women keep referring to me as their father? I can tell you that I definitely have not fathered any children. I don't get it." Steve shrugs both shoulders, palms facing up before slapping them down to rest on his thighs.

Sean blinks and cocks his head to the side as if he needs a moment to process this information.

"How..." Sean falters as if he doesn't know where to begin and tries again. "How do you mean? What do they say exactly?"

Steve shifts uneasily in his seat and rests a hand on the tabletop and taps his fingers anxiously.

"I've mostly noticed it since I grew the beard." He ceases the tapping to bring the hand up and drag down his neatly groomed bearded jaw.

"The beard?" Sean clarifies dubiously.

"Yes!" Steve nods emphatically. "They keep saying things like, 'Love the beard, Daddy', or, 'Looking good, Daddy'. I think I'd know if I had any children! It's weird!"

Sean suddenly chokes on his saliva, clenches his eyes shut, and presses his closed fist to his mouth.

Steve doesn't expect this reaction and presses his lips together to wait patiently, looking vaguely bewildered.

Sean gets ahold of himself after a few moments and with as straight a face as he can manage, asks, "A-and your teammates? H-how do they react to the...to the...'Daddy'...thing?"

"Well they just laugh." He gestures dismissively with his left hand. "Obviously they find the notion ridiculous as well."

Sean shakes his head sadly, "Steve. Steve, my buddy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think your teammates are having fun at your expense."

This catches Steve's attention and he narrows his eyes suspiciously, "What do you mean by that?" He sits up straighter and it is suddenly obvious that with his relaxed manner and casual clothes up until now it was easy to forget his military background. With squared shoulders, focused eyes, and clenched jaw he was suddenly Captain America.

Sean nervously clears his throat. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the whole, 'Daddy', thing is sexual in nature. It's a kink."

Steve stares at him blankly without blinking, the conversation clearly taking a turn he was not expecting. The exact moment the penny drops is visceral. Steve suddenly deflates as fast as he has puffed up and flushes a dark red from his forehead, down his throat, to disappear into the neck of his shirt.

"What?!" He chokes out before dropping his head to hide in his hands, mortified.

Sean can't help but let out a snicker and a snort before he clasps a hand to his mouth to physically hold it in.

"I'm sorry to say, but I think they've just been laughing more at you, not the women calling you, 'Daddy'," Sean manages to continue awkwardly. "It's usually in the context of the 'daddy' being the dominant role in a dominant slash submissive relationship. They are seen as a caring or protective kind of figure, often older. Or also, you know," Sean finishes haltingly, "The disciplinarian."

Steve looks up at Sean, looking slightly confused at the last before his eyes bulge in comprehension and he returns his face to the protective cocoon of his hands and groans. The tips of his ears glow bright red.

Sean can't hold back his grin when Spider-Man's voice pipes up from behind the camera, "Party pooper!"

Steve's head snaps up to glare at Spider-Man, having forgotten he was there in his mortification.

"You ass!"

Spider-Man can be heard guffawing, heedless of the poisonous glare being sent his way by the super soldier.

"None of you said a word! You all just laughed and smirked and let me think they actually thought I was their father!"

Spider-Man's laughter increases in volume and the camera cuts to show Spider-Man staggering in mirth, clutching at the crew member stood next to him who is looking wide eyed and overwhelmed that a superhero is actually touching him.

"You are all dead to me, I swear it!" Steve clutches at his forehead in embarrassed exasperation as Spider-Man's laughter continues even after several moments.

It seems like a struggle, but Spider-Man eventually pulls himself together and purrs in a lower octave, "Oh, don't be like that, Daddy."

Steve's head shoots up to regard the ceiling with wide, panicked eyes, "For Christ's sake, Queens!"

Spider-Man fails to maintain his composure and barks out a few laughs and doubles over to brace his hands on his knees. "Language!" He wheezes out.

"Once!" He gestures angrily with his index finger in the air, "I said that one time and now I can never hear the end of it!" Steve drops his eyes from the ceiling to direct a poisonous glare at Spider-Man once again.

Spider-Man straightens, braces his hands on his hips and answers jauntily, "And we'll never let you forget it!"

Steve sighs and his eyelids droop closed with the weight of his exasperation, "I hate this family."

"Liar. You love us, Stevie."

Steve merely sighs again, as though he has nothing left to give.

Steve visibly decides to ignore Spider-Man's continued existence and calmly addresses Sean. "Now that I've been thoroughly embarrassed in front of- how many viewers do you have?"

Sean bites his lip to contain his grin before answering, "We currently have about six million subscribers."

Steve chokes, smacks his chest and reaches for the water to take a quick slug.

Sean's lips quiver and looks like he is having an internal debate before continuing, "But Spider-Man's video has gotten forty million views so far. In less than a week."

Steve groans and his head falls forward as if in slow motion to dramatically thunk on the table top.

Sean indulges in an amused grin before the grin suddenly turns nervous and he gestures anxiously at Spider-Man, "So, uh, are we going to have to cut any of that? Because Stark's legal team terrifies me and I don't want any part of that mess."

Steve raises his head and asks, confused, "Cut what? What did we say?"

Sean tugs at his collar, almost afraid to repeat it. "You referred to Spider-Man as, 'Queens', and I'm not sure that's something we should have heard?"

"Oh!" Steve replies, relieved, "That's not his real name, that's just a nickname. I'm the only one that calls him that. I call him 'Queens' and sometimes he calls me 'Brooklyn'." He suddenly looks worried and asks Spider-Man, "Was that supposed to be a secret? Oh man, did I blow it? This is your fault for bringing me here!"

The camera cuts to Spider-Man, who waves a careless hand and shrugs, "Not really. It's where I'm seen most often so I think most people have speculated I'm from Queens. It's not exactly a small place so I'm not too worried."

Steve relaxes, "Oh good. Man, secret identities are stressful! Part of me is looking forward to you going public."

"Only part? What about the rest of you?" Spider-Man asks cheekily.

"The rest of me wishes I had a secret identity to spare me from being called, 'Daddy', by hordes of women."

"Yes, poor you," Spider-Man deadpans.

Steve rolls his eyes and Sean laughs, agreeing with Spider-Man's sarcasm.

"Well gentlemen, I don't think it's possible to top that. Let's just move on to the next wing, shall we?"

Sean gestures at the board of remaining wings and they attack their fifth wing.

"You've made it half way, Captain! You're doing great, how does it feel?"

"Kind of painful to be honest- OH!" Steve dramatically clutches his shirt and gasps at the delayed burn of the sauce. "Oh! What the heck is this? No no no, this isn't natural, I don't like this at all."

He presses a hand to the side of his face with his free hand and Sean lurches forward in his seat and holds his hands up as if to stop him. "Woah! Watch the hands! Be careful of your eyes!"

Steve holds his hands in front of him, alarmed. The spice gets stuck in the back of his throat and it sends him into a coughing fit. "Why did I agree to this? This is awful!" He chokes out, grabbing at his glass of water.

Sean replies with a devilish grin, "Spider-Man," and points in his direction off camera with a thumb.

Steve wipes his mouth with a napkin as his coughing fit subsides and his eyes narrow consideringly at Spider-Man.

"Yes, yes it was Spider-Man, wasn't it? Since he's been so willing to throw me under a bus and make a fool of me, maybe you'd be interested in hearing some things about Spider-Man."

Sean perks up in interest at the sinister tone and Spider-Man mocks, "Oh calm down, Daddy-"

"Call me 'Daddy' one more time," Steve snaps, suddenly irate.

Spider-Man's teeth audibly click as his jaws snap closed beneath his mask and his eye lenses widen, suddenly feeling threatened and not as confident.

"Steve, buddy-" Spider-Man changes tactics and attempts to sooth the angry beast but Steve interrupts again.

"No, you know what? It's too late. You brought this on yourself."

"No no, I'm sorry-"

"You've unleashed evil Steve!" He shouts at Spider-Man and Spider-Man clutches at his masked face in distress while Sean watches the back and forth exchange in bemusement.

"Hmm, let's see," Steve addresses Sean thoughtfully and strokes his jaw as though he were an evil villain.

"Ah yes," Steve purrs after a moment of contemplation, "One of my favorites."

"What have I done?" Came Spider-Man's regretful moan from off camera.

"This one happened just a little while back," Steve begins, ignoring Spider-Man. "I don't think there were any public witnesses because it would have definitely spread like wildfire on the news, but I can about one hundred percent guarantee that Tony has footage of it somewhere from someone's body cam and Spider-Man would be wise to keep this in mind should he wish to keep antagonizing me."

The camera snaps to Spider-Man who mimes locking his lips and throwing away the key before holding his hands up in surrender.

"No no, Pandora's box has been opened. This story is being told, you little shit." Steve shifts around in his seat to get more comfortable and rubs his hands together in malicious glee. "So we were clearing out this -" Steve pauses in contemplation before continuing, "You know what, that's classified and irrelevant so I'm gonna cut to the chase, but long story short, Queens ripped the back of his suit and spent twenty minutes with his bare arse hanging out. He couldn't even stop to try to adjust himself or go hide because he was in the middle of about half a dozen assailants so he had to just keep fighting and swinging around flashing everyone."

Sean covers his eyes with his left hand and laughs with sympathetic mortification on Spider-Man's behalf. Steve, however, has no mercy and continues the story with relish.

"It was even more hysterical because he didn't even realize it at first. The whole works of us couldn't manage to keep our professional composure and had to laugh through our fights. Poor Queens must have thought his usual quips and snark were especially funny that day because the most he can usually get out of us is a snort or maybe a pained groan if his joke is particularly cringy. Not this day. This day we were in tears. Clint was so beside himself once Spidey realized what happened and blushed hard enough to even turn his arse pink that Clint got distracted enough to take a hard blow to the head and Tony had to jump in and keep him from kicking the bucket while he was dazed. He laughed even harder when he caught sight of a small, round scar that made a dimple in Spidey's right cheek, everyone was so confused. He laughed so hard he cried. Never did find out where the scar came from. Queens?" Steve gives Spider-Man a shit eating grin.

The camera switches to Spider-Man who has his face buried in his hands and his shoulders slumped as though he is trying to disappear from the face of the earth. He mumbles something unintelligible and Steve needles him to use his words "like a big boy".

Spider-Man's face reappears slowly over the tips of his fingers and his eyes narrow as he sighs and confesses, "Clint and I were doing avoidance training one day and we had decided he would use real arrows this time. I got distracted when Tony's AI, F.R.I.D.A.Y, announced he had ordered pizza and I got shot in the ass."

Sean and Steve's eyes widen before they burst into laughter.

"Why is it always food with you?!" Steve exclaims. He got ahold of himself long enough to ask, "Were you okay?"

Spider-Man nods, sheepishly grinding the tip of his shoe into the floor. "Yeah I was alright. I went down hard and screamed bloody murder for a bit but it was mostly superficial. Clint lost his mind laughing, _because he's a jerk_ , but after a minute we both became aware of how much blood was gushing out of it and he sobered up enough to perform first aid. As he was ripping the arrow from my flesh he started to really think about it and panicked. He proposed we never speak of it again and I happily agreed. Me, because it's mortifying and I wanted to pretend it never happened and him, because I'm the youngest on the team and everyone can be a bit overprotective of me. I think Clint imagined their reactions and saw his life flashing before his eyes."

Steve nods with a thoughtful frown, "Knowing Nat, he had every right to be frightened."

Sean cringes in sympathy just thinking about the injury, "That's rough, man! Superhero-ing is dangerous business!"

Steve and Spider-Man nod in agreement and Steve spreads his arms out wide. "And that is probably the most embarrassing Spider-Man story I can get away with telling you."

Sean grins devilishly, "I hope he at least had on his nicest boxers."

Steve snorts, shakes his head, and shoots a sly look at Spider-Man. "Nope, no boxers."

"Spider-Man is a briefs man, then? You heard it here first, folks!" He crows.

Steve bursts Sean's bubble by shaking his head in disagreement and Sean's eyebrows hit his hairline.

"What were you wearing under the suit then?" He asks Spider-Man in disbelief.

Spider-Man awkwardly hedges before giving in and planting his hands on his hips defiantly. "Boxers bunch up and make the suit look weird, okay?!"

"Are you saying you were commando?! A thong maybe?!" He questions incredulously.

Spider-Man hangs his head in defeat and massages his forehead with a great deal of stress. Eventually he responds heatedly, "Panty line is a serious issue, okay?!"

The other two men lose it laughing again and Spider-Man waves a dismissive hand at them, though a twitch near the mouth of his mask gives away his amusement.

Sean and Steve take a bite from wing number six. Their cheeks are flushed and they are grinning, as though they had been laughing a great deal for several moments and it had been cut from the video. Steve immediately chokes from the spice and struggles to recover from a lengthy coughing fit. Like the previous wing, Sean opens his mouth to begin his question before being hijacked, this time by Spider-Man.

"Yeah? Well if we're having story time it's only fair you hear a bit more about Captain Disaster, over here. He _is_ in the hot seat after all." Spider-Man strolls into frame and drapes an arm casually over Steve's heaving shoulders. Steve immediately shakes his head emphatically in refusal and grabs his glass of water to choke down a few mouthfuls in order to respond to his teammate.

"No!" He croaks, punctuated by more gulping. "That's not how this works! I'm the one choking down these stupid things so I'm the one who gets to talk!"

Sean raises an amused eyebrow, long since giving up and just deciding to go with the flow. "He's technically not wrong you know."

Spider-Man narrows his eyes in consideration and, never one to back down, simply shrugs and plants himself in Steve's lap. The table jolts as he squeezes himself into the tiny space and ice water slops over the rims of the glasses to splatter the table top. Steve splutters in surprise and wastes several precious mouthfuls of the glass still clutched in his hand down the front of his shirt. His confusion is short lived when Spider-Man reaches for the half eaten wing in Steve's other hand and they comically grapple for it for several seconds.

"Let go, you little gremlin!" Steve grunts, and abandons his ice water where it crashes to the floor with what sounds like a great deal of mess in order to fend Spider-Man off with a forearm to the throat. Spider-Man grasps at the garrote with his free hand in a futile attempt to ease the pressure and they flail violently.

Sean jolts in alarm at the commotion and pushes his seat back a foot to avoid the conflict with wide eyes and a bewildered half smile.

The flailing bodies suddenly still as they focus their concentration on the wing they are wrestling over. The arm still holding the wing in question wavers as the heroes engage in a bizarre version of an arm wrestle and Steve is obviously not holding back from the choke hold if the noises forced from Spider-Man's throat are any indication. After a moment Steve's outstretched arm falters and he whines a noise of distress as Spider-Man wins the struggle and slams Steve's arm on the table once, twice, thrice. The table groans and wobbles but the captain maintains his steely grip on his prize. Spider-Man grunts in frustration, or possibly due to lack of air, and wails the heel of his left foot back into the captain's shin. Steve roars with pain and rage.

"I hate you!" Steve seethes through his clenched teeth and his forehead thumps forward to rest on the back of Spider-Man's left shoulder while he deals with the throbbing pain radiating up from his leg. Spider-Man gurgles what is probably supposed to be a strangled laugh and takes the opportunity to release the garrote at his throat to shape his fist into a point and jab it back and into Steve's ribs. Steve flails with a yelp and releases Spider-Man's throat to clutch his injured side, inadvertently kicking the table and sending it lurching once more. Spider-Man wastes no time and with a quick, painful sounding cough and several gulps of air he takes advantage of his freedom to lean forward, flip his mask up over his mouth, and sink his teeth into the wing Steve is still holding. Unfortunately in his haste, he misjudges his aim and also clips Steve's thumb. With a howl Steve releases his side and clobbers Spider-Man over the head with his fist in retaliation.

Steve throws the mangled wing into the trash with disgust and concedes defeat, reaching around Spider-Man still in his lap to grab a napkin to clean up.

"I'm going to make you suffer for this," Steve threatens as Spider-Man braces his hands on the edges of the table and hangs his head forward in regret and misery while gasping and choking on the spice.

Sean cautiously scoots his chair back in now that the battle seems to have ended and regards the heroes with amusement. "Well, that was certainly something. Civil war 2.0, maybe?"

Steve sighs in defeat, balls up his used napkin, and lobs it vindictively at the back of Spider-Man's head as he snorts out a pained laugh. Steve leans back in his chair, crosses his arms and looks off to the side, determined to ignore the aggravating hero violating his personal space.

Spider-Man manages to get a hold of himself after a moment and steals one of Steve's water glasses to wash down the burn before finally looking up at Sean and grinning in painful victory.

"Speaking of wardrobe malfunctions..." Spider-Man trails off for dramatic effect before positively _giggling_ as he thinks about the story he is about to tell, exposed mouth twisting in a devilish grin.

Steve furrows an eyebrow as he tries to think about what kind of gossip Spider-Man could dish out like that before he recalls the incident in question and groans, flushing bright red.

"Please, no," he moans weakly.

"So we're all fighting, right?" Spider-Man begins his story with relish, disregarding Steve. "And Black Widow takes down this guy, but he manages to grab onto her before she knocks his block off. So as he falls like a sack of potatoes and eats dirt, he accidentally yanks down the front of her tank top."

Sean's eyes bulge at the thought and Spider-Man chuckles, "Yeah that was pretty much everyone else's reaction too. Everything kinda ground to a halt for a shocked second before the rest of the team shrugged it off and resumed kicking ass. Except this hilarious idiot behind me basically blue screened and gaped at her rack while the shield he had just thrown rebounded off a wall and returned to him like it was supposed to. Instead of catching it with his hands, however, he caught it with his dumb face. Right across the temple. Knocked him clean out for two minutes!"

Spider-Man dissolves into guffaws while Steve grumbles his displeasure and embarrassment behind him.

Sean cracks up laughing before defending Steve, "To be fair that had to be pretty shocking. She is quite beautiful."

Spider-Man shrugs, "Eh. In this line of work you tend to lose any sense of shame or modesty. Look at me, I run around in skin tight spandex. There are plenty of times where we've had to dress wounds, or get changed, or shower in front of each other, it's just how it is. Captain Modesty over here, though, never fails to balk at a bit of nudity. Kind of adorable really."

Spider-Man twists around to pinch Steve's cheek and coos mockingly at him and Steve loses whatever patience he has left. He growls and, reaching down to grab Spider-Man's hips, _throws_ him across the room in an impressive show of strength to, from the sounds of it, splatter against the wall off camera. Steve dusts off his hands as though he has just taken out the garbage and Spider-Man makes a wounded sound followed by a choked off laugh.

Sean snorts out a laugh while Steve raises his eyebrows expectantly.

"Shall we move on?"

Sean graciously agrees and he digs in to wing number seven. Instead of joining him, Steve discreetly pulls out his notebook and quickly scrawls what looks like the words, "blue screen" on the most recent page. Sean catches sight of it and gives the captain a sympathetic smile. Realizing he's been caught, Steve gives a helpless shrug.

"Like I said, half of whatever comes out of Spider-Man's mouth."

As Steve rushes to catch up, Sean cleans his fingers in a napkin and takes pity on the super soldier.

"When a computer experiences an error it can't recover from, it displays a blue screen before it reboots," Sean explains. "So Spidey saying that you 'blue screened' is making a joke about how your mind blanked and stopped working."

"I could practically see a popup hovering above your head, 'Windows not responding'!" Spider-Man jauntily hums the melody that Windows typically plays as it reboots and Steve looks even more confused.

Sean snickers and moves things along before another fight breaks out.

"We've reached the point in our show where we have a recurring segment, 'Explain that 'gram', where we do a deep dive on your Instagram, find some interesting pictures, and ask you for more context of what's going on. Does that sound alright?"

Steve shrugs lightly and gives a nod of approval as he takes a reluctant bite of the next wing after tucking his notebook safely away once more.

"Now, I noticed you really don't have much on your Instagram, Steve. And hardly anything at all until most recently, the last year or so," Sean begins while a crew member arranges a laptop on a table next to him. "I'm actually surprised you have one at all given your aversion to technology."

Steve appears to go cross eyed for a moment before exhaling heavily through his mouth and wiping distractedly with his wrist at a trickle of sweat beginning its journey from his temple. He clears his throat twice and takes a desperate gulp of water.

"Uhh," Steve attempts to answer but his brain has apparently gone on vacation. He clenches his eyes shut and blindly reaches for the napkins to blot his now glistening forehead. "Yeah, Tony made me one, uhhh, ages ago but I didn't use it. Holy moly. When, uhh, Queens unofficially joined the team he talked me into using it."

"Right on! Well, better late than never!"

"Yuhuh," Steve garbled in what was possibly agreement, shifting in his seat uncomfortably.

Sean carefully eyes Steve who appears to not be doing so well. "You, uh, you doin' alright there, bud? Wanna tap out? Ain't no shame in knowing your limits."

Steve takes a deep breath and makes an effort to straighten up in his chair and meet Sean's eyes, though he looks a bit dazed as though he has had a bit too much to drink.

"Are you kidding," Steve brags proudly, though the _I'm trying not to throw up in my mouth right now_ look on his face takes away some of the effect. "I could do this all day."

Sean's skeptical eyebrows disagree but he nevertheless continues.

"Alright let's start with this one. What in the name of God is going on with this porn 'stache?"

Steve glances at the screen and splutters a laugh while his cheeks burn a light pink. "That was last year's Halloween costume, do you like?"

Sean laughs loudly, "Yeah, it's certainly something!"

"I wanted to be a cop," Steve continues, "And Tony talked me into the mustache. He said any self-respecting enforcer of the law should have a push broom to turn every janitor in the city green with envy."

"Mission accomplished, I would say!"

Steve laughed again, "Yeah for sure. Funny you called it a 'porn 'stache', that's what everyone called me the entire night."

Sean smirked, "And you understood that reference?"

Steve rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, "Not in the slightest. Bruce eventually took pity on me and explained that Tony's motivation was that he thought it was hilarious to make 'Captain Wholesome' look like a sleazy predator."

Sean snorts in agreement. "How did you react?"

"I felt exasperated at first, it's such a Tony thing to do. I think the picture captured me looking at Tony when I found out actually." Steve shifts to get a bit more comfortable. "For some reason people think I'm a stick in the mud or something, but I have a sense of humor too! After I while I just went with it and leered at Tony the rest of the night in retaliation. He was absolutely beside himself and couldn't take me seriously, not that Tony ever takes anyone seriously anyway."

Sean throws his head back to laugh, slapping the top of the table in mirth. "That's amazing! Maybe not quite as wholesome as we think, hey?" Sean questions slyly.

Steve smirks and nonchalantly shrugs a shoulder.

"And what about this one?" Sean pulls up another photo and Steve leans over to study it.

"Bucky snapped this one," Steve responds after taking a moment to recall. "I was sketching on a morning off. Tony's got this crazy beautiful sitting room at the compound and it's surrounded wall to wall with giant windows. It's a fantastic view with a nearby lake and a dense forest of trees. Perfect for sketching on a lazy morning with a giant mug of tea."

Sean looks surprised, "You sketch?"

"Yeah! It's one of my only hobbies that isn't exercising actually. My favorite is working with charcoal. I love getting in there with my fingers, you know? The messier the better," Steve enthuses.

"That's what she said," comes Spider-Man's prompt mutter off camera but everyone hears, sparking laughter all around and Steve's cheeks to bloom. Steve heaves an exasperated sigh and rolls his eyes dramatically.

Sean's laughter calms and finally asks, "Okay last one, what is going on here?"

Steve takes a sip of water and glances at the screen, smiling.

"That was some time after the so-called 'civil war'. We were all working on trying to become a team again but tensions were still running high, particularly between Tony and I. I think it was Queens, actually," Steve gestures to Spider-Man off camera, "who jokingly said, 'Well, you know the best way to settle this? A thumb wrestle.'"

Sean regarded the captain incredulously, "A thumb wrestle."

Steve chuckled. "A thumb wrestle! Everyone just kinda stopped and stared at him, not actually all that surprised because weird things usually spew out of his mouth, _he thinks he's funny-"_

"I _am_ funny!" Spider-Man's voice interjects, affronted.

"-and after a minute's consideration we just kind of shrugged and decided to settle things with a thumb wrestle. We made a big production of it and ended up having a good laugh and it honestly really helped."

Sean laughs and shakes his head, "And who was the victor?"

Steve grins, "Well that depends on who you ask. Ultimately, we officially decided to call it a draw."

Sean chuckles and gestures for them to proceed with the eighth wing. As Steve prepares to take a bite, the microphone barely picks up his mutter, "But I clearly won."

They dig in to their eighth wing and Steve shouts, "Hooooo! Wow! What the heck!"

Sean laughs and watches him as though he expects this reaction, which he probably does.

"Wow! Wow! Wow!" Steve continues before dissolving into coughs and gasps. He immediately reaches for a glass of milk and promptly downs half in one go. As he panics and shifts around uncomfortably, Sean poses his question.

"One of your most admirable traits is your dedication, your drive to do the right thing and help others. The physical and mental discipline necessary to do what you do must be astronomical. To answer that call of duty, you must have some sort of motivation that really drives you, a personal motto, or maybe some advice you've been given that you take to heart. Can you tell us what really drives Captain America?"

The captain slams down the empty glass of milk and wipes his hands and mouth on a napkin before he sighs and desperately runs a hand down his face.

He clears his throat twice before stammering, voice hoarse, "Well, I've always had a, uh, a drive to do something with my life to help others. What drives me now, to be who I am right now, is something Erskine said to me just before I went forward with the serum."

Steve clears his throat again and blinks hard before continuing, "I asked him, 'Why me?', and he said to me, 'Because the man who has known power all his life may lose respect for that power, but a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion. Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. You will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man.'"

He blinks rapidly several times and takes a nervous sip of water before continuing haltingly. "So I've tried to, uh, be a good man rather than a, uh, good soldier. There's a difference. Oh, oh no," Steve's eyes snap shut and his jaw clenches, twitching with a steady tick. His head falls back as he complains, "Something is wrong! I think it's in my eyes! Oh my God, what have I done?!" He moans in agony and attempts to open his eyes but only manages a fraction, revealing that they are bloodshot and several tears escape to run down his flushed cheeks.

Sean's eyes widen in concern, "You touched your face a minute ago, I told you not to touch your face! Of all the ones to get in your eyes, it had to be this one." He frowns sympathetically and looks off camera to address a crew member, "Can we get a wet towel please?"

A crew member hurries forward with a wet hand towel in a small bowl of water and hands it to Steve who curls forward around it protectively and dabs at his eyes without even opening them.

Sean eyes him carefully, "You gonna be alright, man? Did you get much of it in your eyes?"

Steve's only response is a moan of misery as he refreshes the towel and soaks his eyes again.

"I'm so sorry, Steve! This is unfortunately worst case scenario, getting it in the eyes sucks."

"I think this is worse than tear gas. What the heck is this stuff?!" Steve complains.

The video cuts to what must be several minutes later. Steve's face is still flushed but his hair is damp along his hairline from the towel, and his eyes are open though watery and bloodshot.

After Da Bomb, Steve looks much more wary of the remaining chicken wings. After a lengthy, suspicious glare he relents and takes a cautious bite, peeling his lips back as far as he can. He coughs almost immediately and breathes out a tortured sounding, "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" After the customary chugging of half the nearest glass of water, Steve comments, "You know, that one almost didn't seem as bad as the last one." His voice cracks at the end, causing Sean to laugh at his embarrassment.

"People often say that! It's technically hotter than Da Bomb but Da Bomb hits a lot harder! It also helps that you didn't taste this one with your eyes," he sasses. "Doing okay, Cap? You're almost at the finish line!"

Steve switches out his water for a glass of milk and gives Sean an unenthusiastic thumbs up, not pausing in his chugging.

"Excellent," Sean rubs his hands together in glee, "l was hoping we could talk about how Captain America has meshed with modern internet culture and what your feelings are on that integration."

Steve stares at Sean, baffled.

Sean stares back for a total of three uncomfortable seconds before he caves with a twitch of his lips and confesses, "It's a polite way of saying I'm going to show you pictures of people making fun of you on the internet so we can laugh at you."

Steve's face immediately lights up in understanding and, being the good sport he is, simply replies, "Outstanding," as if this is a completely normal and reasonable request.

"Let's start with an easy one," begins Sean as he is handed a small stack of papers from a crew member and taps the edge against the table top to align them neatly. "This one I actually got because Spider-Man texted it to me, so you can blame him for this."

"He texted it to you? Are you guys friends or something?" Steve grins.

Sean jokingly straightens up importantly and announces arrogantly, "Yes, we're besties."

The camera cuts to Spider-Man and he places a hand to his heart as though he feels touched by the sentiment and nods his head emphatically.

Steve grins and shakes his head as he accepts the paper Sean passes him and looks down at it. He immediately groans.

"Not this again!"

Sean grins, "I take it you've seen this one before?"

The captain rolls his eyes and balls it up to throw into the garbage with a satisfying _thunk._ "Of course I have, Queens made sure of that. When it first started making the rounds a little while ago he made sure to show the entire team. They got a good kick out of it and for some reason it is their life's mission to drive me crazy so they started taping copies of it in my locker and on the television and weirdly enough in the fridge. They even bought bags and bags of the stuff and followed me around while eating them, holding up the chips and squinting and closing one eye, as though they were comparing them."

"That's actually hilarious!" Sean slaps the table in mirth. "Who knew the Avengers were such trolls?! When did they finally stop?"

Steve sighs and deadpans, "They haven't."

Sean snorts and hands him the next page.

Steve's face lights up and he laughs delightedly. "I've never seen this one! I love it!"

"Yeah?" Sean asks enthusiastically.

"I love dogs!" Steve grins widely.

"Plus, Cap is a total puppy!" Comes Spider-Man's voice from off camera.

"I am not a puppy!" Steve protests.

"Who's a good boy?!" Spider-Man jokingly coos in an exaggerated manner.

Steve frowns and suddenly shifts to the side to avoid an empty water bottle hurtling at his head accompanied by a, "Fetch!"

Steve retaliates by balling up the page and lobbing it at Spider-Man rather than into the trash. Spider-Man laughs and presumably dodges the shot.

"Alright, children!" Sean chides. "Okay, how about this one?" He hands over the next page and Steve's eyebrows can't seem to decide whether they want to furrow in confusion or raise in amusement.

"Gosh, I look so pretty," Steve decides on. "I look like a dream with that bow in my hair."

Sean laughs and asks, "You have no idea what Hello Kitty is, do you?"

Steve doesn't hesitate to answer, "Not a sweet clue."

They both laugh and Steve helplessly shrugs as he throws away the paper and accepts the next one. The smile almost instantly falls off his face and he levels a glare at Spider-Man.

"You had something to do with this one getting in here, didn't you?" Steve accuses.

The camera cuts to Spider-Man who is pretending to not hear Steve and is examining his nails.

"Spider-Man!" Steve barks to get his attention.

Spider-Man's head snaps up immediately and his eye lenses squint as he replies with barely contained glee, "That's _Captain Spider_ to you."

Steve huffs and pointedly tears the sheet down the middle with a passive aggressively quirked eyebrow.

Sean bites his lip before handing over the last paper sheet and accepting the laptop once more from a crew member. Sean types into the keyboard while Steve regards the sheet and takes a sip of water.

He promptly spits it out.

"Wow!" Sean gushes. "I made Captain America do a spit take!"

Steve flushes pink and bashfully flips the paper over face down on the table.

"Tony and the others are always on about this but I didn't realize it had spread to the general public," Steve groans. "What did I do to deserve this nonsense?"

Sean laughs and at least has the good grace to pretend he feels the slightest sympathy for the captain.

"Okay last one, you're doing great!" He hits play on the laptop and they view a short video only a few seconds long of [a young man impersonating a sassy Nazi](https://youtu.be/_2bGG4m6rmg), German accent and all.

Afterwards, Steve looks as confused as ever.

"Is he talking about me? I don't get it."

Spider-Man cackles off camera and Steve begins to look put out the longer he thinks about it.

"My shield is definitely bigger than a dinner plate! What is he talking about?!"

Sean grins and concedes the end of the segment, picking up one of the bottles at the end of the row to begin shaking it up.

"And I'm not an idiot," Steve mutters at the table, almost too low for the camera to pick up.

"Of course you're not an idiot! You're Captain America!" Sean bolsters Steve, trying to get him to stop pouting.

Steve glances up at Sean marginally more happy after the assurance and notices the bottle being shaken. "What are you doing with that? This can't be good. Isn't the sauce already on there?"

Sean grins wickedly, "This is _The Last Dab_! It's tradition around here to put a little extra on the last wing, but you don't have to! No pressure!"

Steve frowns, "I'm not swayed by peer pressure."

Sean nods and gestures placatingly with his hands, "That's totally okay, do whatever makes you comfortable!"

Steve eyes him carefully. "What is the purpose of the extra sauce exactly?"

Sean shrugs, "It's a bit more entertaining for our viewers and they tend to have a bit more respect for the extra dab, but we're not about to force anyone to do anything they don't want to-"

"Steve just do it, for the love of-" Spider-Man interjects impatiently. "It's part of the show, just do it. This is the last one and you're done."

Steve stares down at the remaining wing hard, and if it had any secrets it would have divulged every last one by now. He sighs and grabs the bottle from the middle of the table and adds the extra dab to get it over with. Sean finishes his entire wing while Steve takes a nibble before choking.

"Mother of God!" Steve gasps out before diving for the milk. "What kind of fresh hell is this?!"

Sean dissolves into laughter, showing very little reaction to the insanely spicy wing.

"You!" Steve garbles through his mouthful of milk, pointing menacingly at Spider-Man, though it is hard to look threatening with a milk mustache.

Sean grins at the spectacle, "Yes, this is all Spider-Man's fault and you should definitely have a heart to heart about that later, but for now I'll ask you what I asked for Spidey's last wing. And that is: can you tell us some things about yourself that we may not already know about you?"

Steve clenches his eyes and then his raised fist in agony before slamming it down on the table leaving a dent next to one of the hand-shaped marks on the edge of the table Spider-Man had last left there.

"Guhhh!" Steve nearly sobs. "I don't know!"

The perspiration on his forehead trickles down the side of his face and drips into the collar of his t-shirt.

"Please let this end!"

He grabs a tissue to blow his nose and sniffs several times with a great deal of misery.

"C'mon Cap, give us something! I know you can do this!" Sean goads, slapping the table to hype Steve up.

"I don't know," Steve wails again. "I don't know, I can run a mile in one minute."

"Wow, really?!" Sean looks impressed.

Steve grunts an affirmative while gulping more milk. After a few moments he pauses long enough to rush out, "I am also fluent in numerous languages."

"That's interesting!" Sean says. "Which languages do you know?"

Steve immediately shuts him down before scooping some ice from his water and holding it to his glistening throat, "No time to explain."

Sean's face falls in disappointment for a moment, as he obviously doesn't expect this answer, but ultimately settles on amusement at witnessing Steve's desperation.

"I love to cook!" The captain fairly shouts. "My specialty is soufflé! Please let this be over!"

Sean relents and with a grin, bows to Steve with his hands fanning forward as though to say, 'We are not worthy!'

"Congratulations, Cap! You've now been through both extremes! From being frozen in the ice to burning up on The Last Dab, you have pulled through and claimed glorious victory!" Sean gestures at several cameras surrounding them, "This camera, this camera, or this camera! Let the people know what you have going on in your life!"

Sean looks at Steve expectantly while Steve stares back miserably, red-faced, cheeks bulging with a mouthful of ice. Steve pitifully whines and attempts to crunch the ice before realizing it is too much to attempt to eat anytime soon and awkwardly lets it cascade out of his maw back into the glass with a splash and a great deal of noise.

"Um," Steve prevaricates while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "Well, I guess I can say that I support various charities for many illnesses and diseases. I've never kept it a secret but a lot of people don't seem to know that before the serum I was incredibly sick. You name it, I've probably had it. So I can understand a lot of how people with these illnesses feel since I've been there. I'll give you the info about the charities and you can share them with your viewers. Please considering donating! Whether it be your time or money, it all helps."

Sean grins at Steve and nods decisively, "You made it! Congrats!"

Steve leans forward to let his head thunk down on the table as the studio participates in a round of applause. The video fades to black as the microphone picks up Sean muttering, "Now I've made two superheroes cry. I'm going to be lynched."

_________________

Comments

Owieeey

uhhh did anyone else notice that Spidey never actually confirmed whether he is commando or wears a thong under his suit? Which is it?! I need to know!

spedicorn

Watching Spidey and cap violently wrestle over that chicken wing makes me grateful that me and my brother never had super powers growing up or else our arguments would have been catastrophic

bookworm19

That was a wild ride start to finish

izzybee89

Cap ogling widow's chest and knocking himself out is a mood

StarksFantasticSuit

RIP cap is now permanently blind

ariel0319

Man that poor table is having a rough time

CinnamonVanillaCulture

Spidey trolling cap about being a daddy is content I didn't realize I needed

Kailea Oliver

Hot Ones - Captain America: twenty minutes of an unfairly attractive hundred year old man acting confused

VioletMoon123

Hahahahaha Spidey told cap he was taking him out for wings!

enchanted_nightengale

Well I mean he wasn't wrong

Jadaluvr1

Is that supposed to be incognito Cap? Because a hat and jeans is not quite cutting it...

tellmeemoar

Spider-Man proposing a thumb wrestle is so wholesome

Wisdomsqueen

He does. He does look like a dream with that bow in his hair.

whateveriguess

omg captain pornstache

Mhxirii

Will pay a great deal of money for a picture of Spider-Man's bum

FandomShuffle

Yes, someone's body cam must have captured Spidey's ass. Please please please

Cargumentluv

Me, next time someone pisses me off: "you've unleashed evil Steve!"

no_touching

I feel you on the eggplant, man. Gross.

Isi1dur

Lol I wonder how Stark is going to punish spidey

mamalaseng

Cap is such a grandpa

TotallyNotDeadpool

Man, Cap looks like he's about to burst into full-body flames like a human torch

Cordolicious

That's oddly specific isn't it

TotallyNotDeadpool

Like a storm of fire!


	2. Teaser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a quick teaser for the next installment of Hot Ones: Avengers in the Hot Seat. Make sure to subscribe to me or the series since they will be uploaded as separate works, not as a new chapter to this one. This will be the last chapter for this particular story, but this isn't the last you'll hear from this little universe.

🕷️🕸️  
  
Spidey I can't thank you enough for getting Steve to drop by for an interview  
  
Yeah that was fun! It's much more entertaining when it's someone else suffering  
  
I bet!  
  
Thanks for making Steve suffer. Tell you what, I'll even rename your contact in my phone.  
  
You mean I'm not an asshole anymore?  
  
No, you absolutely still are, just not to me! As long as you're directing that at other people we're good lol   
  
Understood! How is Steve doing, anyway? Are his eyes okay? No permanent damage?  
  
Nah he's fine. Suffered for a couple hours then went for a jog. He's a beast.  
  
Any chance of getting any more of your friends to drop by?  
  
You know, I've just been reminded about an incident where I was injured with an arrow that I've never gotten revenge for  
  
Now who could you possibly be talking about, I wonder?  
  
Who, indeed.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Fun facts: Cap's food diaries are loosely based on The Rock's meal plans and my aunt makes a mean beouf bourguignon. Try Julia Child's recipe, it's so gooooood.
> 
> I used the first page of reviewers from the Spider-Man interview as commenters for this one. If you want me to remove you, just let me know. :)
> 
> Commenters will be used as YouTube commenters on the next installment (unless requested otherwise). Please drop me a line if you enjoyed the story, and let me know who you want to see interviewed next or if you have a question to ask an Avenger.


End file.
